A Letter From Paul To Todd

Dear Todd,

Once again, you act like you didn’t get the memo. But this time Todd, you just plain blew our cover. You know we aren’t supposed to start calling rape victims whores and liars until AFTER the election. In fact, as our marching orders of The Plan clearly state, we are to remain absolutely vague and non-committal on all ideological/religious issues as well as all tax(breaks for billionaires), spending(on the military), budget balancing(gutting programs for the middle class and the poor), infrastructure(in China) policies, until mid-November, 2012. Lie and deny. Evade and accuse. Remember, Todd? Haven’t you been watching our Super Pac ads at all?

And Todd, please don’t tell me you never received The Plan from our state of the art social media/e-mail/phones/postal service, as we will not be cutting these services to the general public until January, 2013. Now, thanks to your little slip, we end up with fertilized egg on our faces!

What good does it do for Mitt and me to run screaming from all of our previously stated radical right-wing positions (even ones caught on camera and/or the U.S. Congressional record) when you tie us right back in to this big fat albatross of political inexpedience? AFTER THE ELECTION, TODD! Why do you think that Mitt is hiding his taxes?

Do you really think the American people would vote for Mitt and me, if they knew that it was Mitt’s Bain Company that laid them off, that their jobs were sent to 11-year-olds in China, and that Mitt personally made tens of millions off of each deal? It’s bad enough that the guy has seven mansions and a car elevator, but did you know the damage control we had to do when somebody spilled that Mitt got a $75,000 tax deduction for his wife’s dancing horse? That’s more than the average family makes in a year. If we hadn’t made up that phony story accusing Obama of supposedly taking the work requirement out of welfare, Americans would still be talking about that darned horse!

Todd, the plain and simple fact is that every day you stay in the race reminds Americans what Mitt, I, and the Republican Party now actually stand for. That was NEVER part of The Plan, Todd and you know it. It is bad enough that Bob McDonnell and Reince are writing a GOP platform more reminiscent of 1860, than 2012. Now YOU have to rub it in. Do you know how hard it is to keep lying to reporters in an airplane at 36,000 feet? 

Todd, buddy! For the sake of The Plan, you just gotta get out NOW! Fox n Friends will give you a great gig at least through the election and a brand new reality show, A Filthy Pig in Slop has promised to feature you for at least ½ of the season, if you drop out now! Do it for me! Do it for all the legislation we co-sponsored in Congress. Do it for every fertilized egg in every in-vitro lab in America. Do it for the 47 billionaires who are financing our campaigns all across the country. For crying out loud, do it for Ayn Rand!

 

Your (You’re?) Secret Twin,

Paul

 

Actually written by J. Brandeis Sperandeo              

The Ryan-Romney Plan and You

If you are expecting a snappy, smarmy, bumper sticker-friendly, long-on-spin, short-on-fact, Super Pac ad in the few sentences below, let me tell you that there is a new season of Dancing With The Stars which promises non-stop, zany antics, and I respectfully suggest that you surf away from my little post now, before that vague twinge of discomfort you already feel at Mitt Romney’s V.P. pick mutates into a full-fledged viral onslaught, complete with lost lunches, aches, pains, and definitely dizziness.

If you are wondering where I got my intel for this piece, I got most of it from the New York Times. I offer no apologies here. I am sick and tired of just about every other media outlet, as I find that most sources on both the left and the right cannot seem to stop pandering to the baser instincts of their reader/viewer base. Since the Times has often as not offered inconvenient truths that make even me want to r.u.n.n.o.f.t and dance with this or that b-list celebrity and/or disgraced convicted felon, I have come to trust it as a reliable source.

Paul Ryan has been in Congress for 14 years. Coincidentally, Mitt Romney has been running for president during those same 14 years. As you might have heard by now, Mitt Romney really, really, REALLY wants to be president and will say/do just about anything to get elected. But, because he has talked and talked and yet failed to make the cut for the last 14 years, he has developed a rather mind- numbing modus operandi that involves, uh, modifications of just about all of his positions on, uh, every issue known to humanity.

I am telling you this, because Mitt has thus far, wholeheartedly endorsed what has become known as the “Roadmap for America’s Future” or more simply put, the Ryan Plan, the architect of which just happens to be Mitt’s new running mate. Every Republican in the U.S. House voted for Ryan’s Plan, but Mitt could very well modify his mind tomorrow about last month’s “unequivocal” support for what Newt Gingrich called right-wing social engineering, so I am forced to write quickly, before Mitt can Etch the Sketch again. Okay, on to the short list I promised you:

1.      20% tax cut across the board and, only two tax tiers, no more tax loopholes, and all of this without adding to the deficit. Yay! Freedom! Liberty! Don’t tread on my yellow snake flag! Oh, but there are a couple of problems with this part of Ryan’s Plan. When the independent policy folks at the Tax Policy Center and the Urban Institute actually crunched the numbers and factored in the deductions that middle income families currently enjoy, it turned out that the richest 5% would make out like bandits, and the lower 95% would end up with a net tax increase. The average family would pay about $2,000 more in taxes so millionaires could buy  new Bentleys. Oh, and this tax reform does nothing to raise a dime in revenue.

2.      Medicare Coupons. Yes, coupons. Any citizen currently under 55 can, once they turn 65, take their coupon to the nearest trusted private health insurance company (hee, hee, hee! haw, haw!  snicker, snicker!) and theoretically buy  private insurance which would take the gummint completely out of the picture. Sounds very bold until you learn that by 2022, elderly coupon recipients would pay an average of about $6,400 more per year than they do now under Medicare, because the Ryan Plan does absolutely zilch to curb the rapidly rising costs of insurance and health care.

3.      Repeal Obamacare. Awright! Oh, wait. So all of those provisions in the Affordable Health Care Act that keep insurance companies honest would be gone AND we get a lousy coupon to buy private insurance? So we are back to denials for pre-existing conditions, spiraling costs, limits on yearly/annual claims and cancellations if/when we get sick, AND we get to pay $6,400 more?

4.      Privatize Social Security. Yes, Ryan wants us to give all the money from our payroll tax deductions to the very same clowns on Wall Street who gambled with our money (Muppet money they call it) at the track and lost. Oh right, let’s all entrust our only safety net to the psychopaths who created the worst financial downturn since the Great Depression and then lied to Congress about it. Do I really need to say more here?

5.      Get rid of all those “job killing” regulations. Yes, let’s let Wall Street hedge fund managers do exactly what they please with our savings, health care, and Social Security. All Part of Ryan’s Plan.

6.      Deep cuts to agriculture, education, transportation, science and much more! But don’t worry. Ryan would let the military budget rise with inflation, so mega-corps like Raytheon, Blackwater (changed name to XE, then Academi, or something else really spy-like), and Dick Cheney’s own Halliburton will not feel shortchanged.

7.      Okay, so with all these cuts/slashes/ privatizations but no new revenue, how in the world does the Ryan/Romney Plan, plan to balance the budget? Ryan’s idea is that, in 30 years or so, money will trickle down from all that unfettered economic growth and eventually balance things out. Yes, Trickle Down Economics again. I am not kidding and he isn’t either.

So, where is the Ryan/Romney “Roadmap for America’s Future” actually intending to take you and me and the rest of Middle America? In short, it is a roadmap designed for a one-way trip to a place that most of us would be crazy to want to go, excepting a few who are really into Extreme Personal Responsibility/Mad Max/Hunger Games, or other post-apocalyptic-survivalist scenarios. No doubt The Stars will still be Dancing in Ryan/Romney’s vision of the future, though the rest of us may be forced to steal some electricity to run the TV.

 J. Brandeis Sperandeo

Romney/Ryan "Go Back Team"

America’s Comeback Team? Like they are in the Olympics or something?

How about America’s “Go Back Team?” Because that is exactly what they are planning.

Back before 1973, so American women no longer have the right to privacy in their own homes, just like in many of the countries where Bain-tutored, U.S. corporations have already taken their factories and your jobs.

Back before 1965, so American women and men no longer have the right to use contraception, just like in many of the countries where the same mega-corporations enjoy cheap labor and tax havens.

Back before 1964, so American racial, ethnic, religious, and national origin minorities are still oppressed by Jim Crow laws and segregation in schools, work places, and all public accommodations, just like in many of the countries where those same U.S. corporations currently bribe local officials so they can do a brisk business.

Back before 1938, so American children can be forced to work 18 hours a day, in filthy, dangerous sweatshops for pennies a day, just like in many U.S. corporate factories overseas.

Back before 1880, so American unions do not even have the right to exist, just like in many U.S. factory shops abroad.

Back before 1863, so slavery will again be legal in America, just like in many of the countries where U.S. mega- corporations intentionally do business, so they don’t have to put up with modern American inconveniences like personal and religious liberty, fair pay, benefits, and safe working conditions.

The Romney/Ryan team intends to make all Americans Go Back as far as we will let them. How far are you going to let the Go Back Team take you?

J. Brandeis Sperandeo