The Collatox Defense

And you thought that the Twinkie Defense was creative! Wait until you hear about my brand new, high-end-client, sure-fire, fool-proof defense. I call it The Collatox Defense. I thought of it while watching TV and seeing, newlywed/professional escort, Dalia Dippolito; yet another apparently surgically enhanced bimbo being arrested for an alleged third attempted murder-for-hire against her unsuspecting husband.

As I was looking at that I-just-ran-into-a-wall mouth which, in my day, would have been not-so-kindly compared to that of the Creature From The Black Lagoon, I could not help but make the obvious connection between the overuse of collagen, implants, botulism injections, and disfiguring plastic surgeries, and the recent epidemic of  unfathomably inane, erratic, unscrupulous, and often highly illegal behavior of so many pathologically entitled, over-privileged, chronically frustrated, grossly insecure, or just intensely bored younger, middle-aged, and post middle-aged, individuals.

It would be so easy to lump the PamelaAndersonBruceJennerKimKardashian(anyKardashian)MelaniGriffithBradPaisleyGoldieHawnThierryMuglerNicoleKidmanKeithUrbanCameronDiazLexBaldwinDonatellaVersaceCarrotTopDollyPartonKennyRogersJoanRiverseMickeyRourks together with the KimRichardsDaliaDippolitoLindseyLohanandMobwivesReneeKarenCarlaDritasandatleast1/2ofhtecastofTheJerseyShore.

Most in both lists appear to have way too much money. Many are obviously grossly insecure. Some appear so bored that they simply don’t know what to do with themselves, so they incessantly bitch about a life, for which the rest of us would trade a significant body part, incessantly stare in the mirror, find alleged flaws, then repeatedly pay Hollywood Hospital to tweak their karma.

Some initially look less like the Creature From the Black Lagoon than others, but, if true to the all too common modus operandi, over time, they will eventually nip and tuck and plump and fill their way into an unforgettable fright for the little kiddies (and most adults) sans mask, at Halloween.

But some of those on the second list are part of what I believe to be utterly amoral, uber- aggressive, kleptomaniacal, or otherwise mentally ill subclass of the surgically enhanced. My newfound defense is designed for these psycho-celebs, and although it comes too late for poor Ms. Richards, I believe it could be used sparingly to help the recent spate of arrestees like Ms. Dippolito and then liberally in subsequent cases, depending upon the range of prior success.

The…uh…novelty of this ground-breaking legal maneuver will require that it first be tested  in locales such as Beverly Hills, South Florida, and selected sections of New Jersey, as an accused relying upon this defense obviously stands a better chance of acquiring a more sympathetic jury pool in these areas. 

Every troubled, disfigured celebrity/wannabe mutant deserves the best defense money can buy, and I’ll bet there are many expert physicians in Hollywood who, for a price, would be willing to testify as to the various deleterious effects of long-term internal exposure to silicone, collagen, botulism, PVC, PCP, LSD, THC,  and/or any other foreign substance.

Just think of the scenario: a bored, rich, heavily altered (Real Housewife/Mob Wife/Any Reality TV celebrity/“A,”-list, but about to be demoted to “B”-list actor) feels compelled to act out (to get richer in a hurry/cry for attention/make the next edition of People) and does act out (to the tune of a criminal mischief/theft/assault/homicide) in the usual (monumentally stupid/guaranteed to get caught/really wants to get caught) way and, after the (making all the tabloids/magazines/morning shows/Fox News) dust settles, but before he/she is thrown into (a Beverly Hills secured facility, single cell, complete with specialized individual attention, gourmet meals, with full access to all media outlets) jail, he/she hires a well-seasoned (former “hard-nosed prosecutor” and present TV commentator/short bald guy with the brains/flamboyant tall guy with a deep voice and grey at the temples) legal team, who, brings my three-tiered strategy to life and hires a slew of medical experts to say that:

1. The medical effect of long-term exposure to the toxic chemicals associated with plastic/cosmetic surgery/treatments is temporary insanity (or at least a diminished capacity to recognize and fully process the abject fear on the face of the victim he/she bludgeoned). Once afflicted by and so under the influence of said toxins, the actor must thereupon be relieved of all criminal responsibility for any bigoted, vile, heinous, violent, or otherwise illegal act(s) that may have been committed thereafter.

2. Although still a new field of psychological study (that means absolutely no empirical data to support their theory), the entertainment media has recently reported a plethora of anecdotal evidence, citing nut-job after nut-job, doing very nut-jobby things (especially on reality TV shows), who also happened to have, maybe not-so-coincidentally, really fat upper-lips, gargoyle-like facial features, comic-book musculature, and/or several fluid-filled, plastic/titanium parts inside their foreheads, breasts, calves, and or cheeks at both ends.

3. Because so many original body parts have been altered, enlarged, damaged, or replaced, the accused, as named in the complaint, no longer sufficiently resembles the defendant sitting in orange at the defense table. Therefore, an acquittal must be rendered, based on the lack of proper identification.

Okay, I guess I haven’t fleshed out all of the details yet, but I can’t say more, because I have to go patent or copyright or intellectually propertize my great new defense before Gloria Alred steals my idea!

J. Brandeis Sperandeo

P. S. Some of the unusually aggressive changelings mentioned above (I will not name them again for fear of sleeping with the fishes) may also be suffering from severe overdoses of injected testosterone or other performance-enhancing drugs. I have been thinking about another defense called The Anabolic Steroid or The Abs Defense for use in cases involving both male and female athletes, body builders, spouse-abusers, and assorted low-life thugs (which would pretty much cover the rest of the cast of the Jersey Shore, all of the Mob Wives and half of L.A.), but that defense is still in the developmental stages. I’ll keep you defense attorneys posted.

J.B.S.