Mitt the Wit

Since some folks have lately been reducing the serious issues and life-changing choices in this election to political cartoons and beer-soaked, one-liners about the President’s lack-luster performance in the first debate, I thought I would remind you that Governor Romney is also a really funny fellow and share with you just a few of the truly zany antics he has in store for us, should we elect him the next President of the United States:

We all know that Mitt Romney made his millions (the first million or so he got from Daddy) by firing thousands of American working people, closing U.S. factories, shipping the jobs overseas, and stashing tens of millions of his bankruptcy profits into off-shore accounts to avoid paying taxes. The funny part is that Mitt now thinks the American people should trust him to use this same business model to somehow (he won’t say how) create 12 million new jobs. Heh, heh , heh! Pretty funny, right? It gets even funnier.

Mitt Romney has a plan to cut the deficit by adding $7 trillion to the deficit. Mitt wants to start with a $5 trillion giveaway to the rich and then $2 trillion in extra military spending that even the military says they don’t need. Mitt Romney knows from history and personal experience that the more money big corporations and super rich people take in, the more they build factories in China, and Brazil, and then squirrel away loads of cash in Switzerland and the Caymans.

But he is telling us that, if we give corporations and rich people even MORE money, they will now use it to create good American jobs and the deficits will go down, uh, somehow. If this sounds familiar, this is the Mitt Romney, 2012, version of the same trickle down economic theory that hasn’t worked since 1980. Punch line below…

The burden to pay for that $7 trillion in EXTRA deficit will have to be saddled on the backs of the middle and working class because, according to the Tax Policy Institute, Mitt Romney’s plan would give an average of $250,000 MORE in tax breaks to his rich buddies and himself, while we will get socked with an extra $2,000/year. And now, for the joke... 

In fact, Mitt’s plan would take his own personal tax “burden” down to around 1%! Mitt Romney had been hawking this plan for over a year yet just did a big “king’s X” at the first debate. He didn’t deny the plan, Mitt just said that what the Tax Policy Institute verified would happen “just would not happen.” Nothing more than, “just would not happen.” If you are scratching your head with laughter on this one, you are not alone.

Mitt Romney was recorded secretly spewing his utter disdain for 47% of the American people in front of his uber-rich donors in May of this year. In that speech Mitt totally wrote off our troops and their families, returning vets and their families, seniors on Social Security and Medicare, students with loans who can’t borrow money from their folks, the disabled, and the entire working class. We have all seen the video of Mitt Romney saying this. He came right out and said that he has no plans to help these people at all because he considers them moochers and “victims.” Okay, now for the funny part…

Now,  just a month before the election, Mitt is getting all sincere with Fox News that he was “completely wrong” about how he has felt his whole life and suddenly wants to serve these people too, by taking away the government help these families desperately need to stay afloat. Hee, hee, hee, hee! But that’s not all!

Mitt Romney also has a plan to save Social Security by handing it over to the same gamblers on Wall Street that caused the worst economic melt-down since the Great Depression. How’s that for a safety net?  Snicker, snicker! Are you laughing yet?

Mitt Romney wants to repeal Obamacare, so insurance companies can go back to denying coverage for preexisting conditions, limiting annual and lifetime coverage for illnesses, cancelling your policy if you get sick, and spending 80% of your premiums on CEO bonuses and golden parachutes instead of health care. Mitt knows that Obamacare is modeled after his own plan that he installed in Massachusetts and that it worked really well there. But he still wants to repeal Obamacare. I’m busting a gut!

Mitt Romney thinks that individual states can do a much better job than the federal government to insure the health of the 40 million people who were uninsured before but are now insured under Obamacare and Mitt also thinks that the sates are supposed help insure the rest of us who will be helped anyway by the Obamacare, 2014 provisions, which Mitt wants to repeal. Even though insurance premiums and medical costs have already been slowed way down under Obamacare, under a Mitt Romney administration, premiums and costs will be free to skyrocket again, and the states will get the bill and some spare change with which to try and pay it. Incredible in the truest sense of the word, as in beyond belief.

It doesn’t bother Mitt a bit that states don’t exactly have a great track record of taking care of sick people. If you live in one of the 45 states that are currently slashing government services because of budget shortfalls, I’ll bet you are just laughing out loud right now about the idea of dumping a few bucks on the states and letting them handle your healthcare!

Mitt Romney also plans to weaken Medicare so badly that only the most desperate of seniors and the disabled on fixed incomes will be forced to use it and the rest of us will (without Obamacare) again be totally at the mercy of the insurance companies. Guffaw, guffaw! You seniors and disabled will be rolling in the isles (in your wheel chairs) when you get socked with the extra $6,000/ in medical premiums, plus reduced benefits. The rest of us will be snickering over the coupon that we will get from Mitt Romney to try and buy health insurance from the same insurance companies Mitt wants to deregulate. We will be laughing all the way to the ER!

Speaking of deregulation,  Mitt, the Wit Romney also wants to repeal all those not-so-funny recent regulations on Wall Street Bankers and Hedge-fund managers, put in place by President Obama and the Democrats in Congress, to prevent another economic melt-down. If Mitt has his way, his psychotic hedge fund and venture capitalist buddies can take your money back to the track, with no capital reserves to back it up, and bet the whole wad on Rafalca, in the third. And when they lose, guess who gets the bill…again?

Mitt Romney has been pushing a rollicking romp of mass deregulation for years, yet he just kind of took it  back, (sort of, can’t really tell with Mitt) at the first debate. Chuckle, chuckle! Like hide and seek! I can’t keep track of all the reversals, modifications, “I never said that”(s) (even when it's on video), and “that just won’t happen”(s), but I find myself involuntarily giggling hysterically, every time I hear a new one and wonder if the American people are laughing, crying, or just confused as hell about what Mitt actually stands for, if anything. Speaking of confusion…

Mitt Romney argued to let the auto industry die, so his venture capital buddies could buy up the scraps at bankruptcy yard sales. Even though the Big Three Auto makers are now doing better than ever, have paid us back with interest, and 1 million jobs were saved thanks to President Obama, Mitt still thinks that letting the U.S. auto industry die would have been a better business plan. He won’t explain why he still feels that way or give any credit to the President for his bold action. Kind of funny, yes? No? Funny as in weird, maybe?

Mitt Romney kept saying he was running for president because the government Bureau of Labor Statistics showed that unemployment had been over 8%, since Bush and Wall Street almost killed the economy. Now that unemployment is under 8% (7.8%), as President Obama’s policies are improving the economy without Mitt’s brilliant plans in place, Mitt is ignoring the BLS figures and switching to GOP-funded figures and right-wing conspiracy theories.  Ha, ha, ha, ha! Can’t blame a comedian for changing stale material…

Mitt Romney also has a plan to roll back the “burdensome, job-killing” environmental regulations that have been in place since 1970, so that his rich oil/coal/gas/nuclear buddies can go back to sinking holes in our back yards, lopping off entire mountains in our national parks, belching toxic fumes in our air, bringing leaky antique nuclear plants back on line, fracking our water tables with cancer-causing benzene,  and drilling  oil wells in deep, dangerous waters without the technology to cap the leaks. No more funds for boring, unmanly technologies such as wind, solar, and bio-fuels. Whoo, ha, ha! Drill baby, drill!  Deregulation of the old-timey energy industry will also have an unintended, but humorous long-range effect on over population.

On the international scene, Mitt Romney has consistently and grossly oversimplified foreign affairs to a  “release of copious amounts of testosterone," response to every crisis, real or imagined, even before all the facts are known. Mitt appears to have no idea about an overall diplomatic strategy, except that most of his foreign policy advisers are the same funny bunch of Bush/Cheney clowns who got us into Afghanistan, Iraq, left thousands of our boys and girls dead or wounded, and then left the wreckage for the next president to clean up.

You would think that a guy who has been running for president his whole life would have a firm grasp of international affairs, but not Mitt! Mitt Romney talks tough about China, but Mitt’s only concern with China in the last 20 years was about how to locate sweat shops in depressed rural areas, so he would not have to pay for U.S. workers. Mitt still has millions invested In Chinese cheap factory labor. What is really funny is that he expects us to believe that he will risk all of his millions and those of his rich political donors just to get us back the same American jobs from China that he outsourced there. I guess this is really more of a bad-smell kind of funny, if you think about it.

Mitt also thought it was a really bad idea to risk a surgical strike in Pakistan to kill Osama Bin Laden. Too risky. Bush had given up as well and Mitt never considered it a viable option. Yet Mitt Romney refused to give President Obama any credit for having the guts to keep his promise, revive Bush’s abandoned plans, and kill this murdering terrorist. How funny is that? Not funny at all?

We are now quite aware that Mitt Romney cannot speak coherently without memorized statements like the one he memorized at the first debate, when he said he would kill Big Bird. Just this summer, we were treated to a non-stop, slapstick, comedy of errors as Mitt managed, off the cuff, to insult the governments and/or people of every European and Middle East country he visited. And those were our allies! If elected our next President, we can look forward to Mitt Romney creating all kinds of hilarious international crises, almost every time he opens his mouth! It would be sooooo funny knowing that our commander in Chief was just heartbeat away from stumbling and bungling us into another regional war, or maybe even WWIII! You just can’t make up material like this! Too funny! I am about to pee my pants!  Mitt’s killing me!

J. Brandeis Sperandeo