A Letter From Paul To Todd

Dear Todd,

Once again, you act like you didn’t get the memo. But this time Todd, you just plain blew our cover. You know we aren’t supposed to start calling rape victims whores and liars until AFTER the election. In fact, as our marching orders of The Plan clearly state, we are to remain absolutely vague and non-committal on all ideological/religious issues as well as all tax(breaks for billionaires), spending(on the military), budget balancing(gutting programs for the middle class and the poor), infrastructure(in China) policies, until mid-November, 2012. Lie and deny. Evade and accuse. Remember, Todd? Haven’t you been watching our Super Pac ads at all?

And Todd, please don’t tell me you never received The Plan from our state of the art social media/e-mail/phones/postal service, as we will not be cutting these services to the general public until January, 2013. Now, thanks to your little slip, we end up with fertilized egg on our faces!

What good does it do for Mitt and me to run screaming from all of our previously stated radical right-wing positions (even ones caught on camera and/or the U.S. Congressional record) when you tie us right back in to this big fat albatross of political inexpedience? AFTER THE ELECTION, TODD! Why do you think that Mitt is hiding his taxes?

Do you really think the American people would vote for Mitt and me, if they knew that it was Mitt’s Bain Company that laid them off, that their jobs were sent to 11-year-olds in China, and that Mitt personally made tens of millions off of each deal? It’s bad enough that the guy has seven mansions and a car elevator, but did you know the damage control we had to do when somebody spilled that Mitt got a $75,000 tax deduction for his wife’s dancing horse? That’s more than the average family makes in a year. If we hadn’t made up that phony story accusing Obama of supposedly taking the work requirement out of welfare, Americans would still be talking about that darned horse!

Todd, the plain and simple fact is that every day you stay in the race reminds Americans what Mitt, I, and the Republican Party now actually stand for. That was NEVER part of The Plan, Todd and you know it. It is bad enough that Bob McDonnell and Reince are writing a GOP platform more reminiscent of 1860, than 2012. Now YOU have to rub it in. Do you know how hard it is to keep lying to reporters in an airplane at 36,000 feet? 

Todd, buddy! For the sake of The Plan, you just gotta get out NOW! Fox n Friends will give you a great gig at least through the election and a brand new reality show, A Filthy Pig in Slop has promised to feature you for at least ½ of the season, if you drop out now! Do it for me! Do it for all the legislation we co-sponsored in Congress. Do it for every fertilized egg in every in-vitro lab in America. Do it for the 47 billionaires who are financing our campaigns all across the country. For crying out loud, do it for Ayn Rand!

 

Your (You’re?) Secret Twin,

Paul

 

Actually written by J. Brandeis Sperandeo